5 Hard Truths About Marriage from a Therapist
- Elizabeth Lowder msw lcsw
- Jul 21
- 2 min read
As therapists for moms and birthing parents for almost two decades, we've learned some things about what makes a healthy relationship that lasts. We've also identified red flags for unhealthy relationships that may last - but one or both of the people in the relationship has been miserable for years!
As long as we love each other, nothing else matters right? Romantic but wholly untrue. Love alone doesn’t address issues in communication styles, parenting philosophies or personal values. What makes a marriage is the conscious choice (like every dang day) to commitment, effort and the willingness to grow with your partner.
#2. It Takes Work
To get - and maintain - good, loving relationships we have to work at them. Constantly. Make choices to put your partnership first (as long as it doesn’t conflict with your personal safety or values!) Nurture it regularly. Don’t get complacent.
Check in often with date nights, family meetings, trips away or playing hooky and staying in bed talking (or not talking, no judgement!)
#3. Your Partner Should Not Meet All of Your Needs
In most cis-hetero relationships, I see men do this more often. Maybe it's because women recognize the utmost importance of having good girlfriends. It makes more intuitive sense for us that our male partners cannot be our best friend and lover and confidante and happy hour drinker and book club reader and travel companion and holiday co-host etc.
Good spouses recognize the importance of having outside interests, friends and other peers. Expecting your partner to be your “everything” is unrealistic - and a LOT of pressure! Go find some friends!
#4, Fighting is Okay
Healthy conflict can bring partners closer by opening the door to deep, meaningful conversations about wants and needs, which can then lead to problem-solving. Engaging in conflict doesn't always have to result in negative outcomes; in fact, when approached correctly, it can serve as a catalyst for growth and intimacy within a relationship.
The key is learning how to fight fairly, which involves understanding the principles of respectful communication, active listening, and empathy. Instead of viewing conflict as a threat, it can be reframed as an opportunity for connection and understanding. When partners articulate their desires and concerns in a constructive manner, it fosters an environment where both individuals feel heard and valued. By embracing healthy conflict and utilizing the assistance of a therapist, partners can transform disagreements into opportunities for deeper connection, ultimately enhancing their relationship and fostering a greater sense of unity.
Comments