What to Say - and Not Say - to Someone Who's Just Had a Baby According to a Therapist
- Elizabeth Lowder msw lcsw
- 6 minutes ago
- 4 min read
Elizabeth Stallone-Lowder MSW LCSW
How to Support Someone Struggling After Birth (And What Actually Helps)
The postpartum period is often a time when you’re “supposed” to feel grateful, bonded, and happy. Cherish every second right? And sometimes that’s true. But for many parents, postpartum is also intense, confusing, and sometimes comes with frightening emotions that can make everyday life feel unmanageable.
Roughly 1 in 4 parents experience a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder (PMAD), such as postpartum depression (PPD) or postpartum anxiety (PPA). These experiences aren’t a reflection of attitude, gratitude, or effort—they’re about biology, nervous system overwhelm, sleep deprivation, trauma history, and a lack of meaningful support. They reflect a nervous system and body under extraordinary strain.
As a perinatal therapist, I often work not only with parents who are struggling—but also with the partners, friends, and family members who love them and don’t know how to help. Many people freeze when a new mom bursts into tears, or a fit of rage. They expect new parents to be exhausted but happy. Too often, they stay silent—not out of apathy, but uncertainty.
Support matters. And it doesn’t have to be perfect to be effective.
Common Signs to Watch For
Postpartum Depression may look like:
Persistent sadness, numbness, or emotional flatness
Irritability or rage that feels out of proportion
Guilt or shame about not feeling happy
Difficulty bonding with the baby
Low energy or feeling overwhelmed by basic tasks
Changes in sleep or appetite beyond expected newborn disruption
Thoughts of wanting to escape or believing loved ones would be better off without them
PPD doesn’t always look like sadness. Many parents I work with are surprised to learn that anger, numbness, and disconnection are just as common.
Postpartum Anxiety may include:
Constant worry that feels impossible to turn off
“Worst-case scenario” thinking or spiraling
Feeling on edge or unable to relax
Trouble sleeping even when the baby sleeps
Panic attacks or intrusive, unwanted thoughts
This isn’t typical new-parent concern—it’s living in a near-constant state of alarm.
How to Support Someone With a PMAD: 8 Practical Tips
1. Make help specific
Instead of saying “Let me know if you need anything,” try:
“I’m bringing dinner on Tuesday.”
“I can take the baby for an hour so you can rest.” Specific offers reduce decision fatigue and shame.
2. Do hard things together
Depression and anxiety can make basic tasks feel impossible. Simply sitting alongside someone while folding laundry or prepping food can be far more helpful than advice or encouragement. Support doesn’t always mean taking over—it can mean doing hard things side-by-side, without judgment.
3. Protect sleep as a high priority
Sleep deprivation worsens PMAD symptoms. Helping someone get 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep can be profoundly therapeutic and serves as a protective factor for the negative symptoms of a postpartum mood disorder.
4. Lead with listening, not fixing
You don’t need the right answer. Start with:
“This sounds really hard.”
“I’m glad you told me.” Validation calms the nervous system. Fixing often doesn’t. As a therapist, I often see how powerful it is when loved ones listen without rushing to solve or reassure. Feeling heard can be deeply regulating for a nervous system under stress.
5. Avoid minimizing or shaming
Comments like “this is normal,” “just enjoy it,” or “snap out of it”—even when well-intended—can deepen isolation. When noting something a new mom is experiencing is 'normal' please consider adding "...and you deserve to feel supported"! It can change the whole vibe.
6. Notice the positives, but don't be toxic about it
One of the most powerful things you can say is:
“You’re a good parent who is having a hard time.”
“You are going through a lot, and much of what you’re experiencing might feel out of your control.”
“I will touch base with you in the morning.”
“You don’t have to pretend to be OK around me.”
“You are a good parent who is having a hard time.”
“Thank you for telling me; that takes strength.”
Struggle does not negate competence or love. Moms contain multitudes.
7. Normalize professional support
PMADs are very treatable. Offering to help find a therapist, make an appointment, or share a recommendation can remove a major barrier when someone is already overwhelmed. We're so fortunate at Sage Tree Therapy to get to work with overwhelmed moms who are ready to stop feeling guilty about needing their own care and comfort.
As a perinatal therapist, I often help families understand that treatment may include therapy, medication, practical support, or all three—and that needing help does not mean something has gone wrong. It means something important is being addressed.
8. Keep showing up
Many of the moms I work with mention that after the first couple of weeks after having a baby, the support dwindles. It's crickets. New parents are still likely struggling six months after a baby, particularly if both parents return to work. Don't forget about them! Gentle, consistent check-ins—texts, meals, memes, coffee drop-offs—matter more than big gestures.
When Immediate Help Is Needed
If someone expresses a desire to disappear, die, or harm themselves, that is a medical emergency.
Signs of postpartum psychosis—such as hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, or a break from reality—also require immediate intervention. Do not leave the person alone. Go to the nearest emergency room or call 911 and clearly state this is a postpartum mental health crisis.
In the U.S., the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline is available 24/7 by calling or texting 988.
A Note for Supporters
Supporting someone with a PMAD can be emotionally exhausting. You matter too. Getting your own support—whether from friends, community, or a therapist—helps you stay grounded and present without burning out.
About the Author
Elizabeth Lowder, LCSW, is a perinatal therapist and the founder of Sage Tree Therapy, where she specializes in supporting parents through pregnancy, postpartum, iand fertility challenges. Her work is grounded in compassion, evidence-based care, and a deep understanding of how systemic pressures—not personal failure—shape parental mental health.
Comments