Learning to Be Kind to Yourself After a Breakup

written by Lauren Jeevanjee, LMSW

I have noticed a common theme amongst clients lately: break ups. Not just romantic break ups but, friendship breakups too. With many clients saying something to the effect of, “I am weak for how deeply this is affecting me.” 

The truth is, breakups are incredibly painful. Whether you lost a romantic partner or a close friend, you are not only losing a person, you are often losing a large support system. You might be losing shared hobbies, routines, future plans inside jokes, and often a version of what you thought your life was going to look like. This is a major loss, which deserves space to be acknowledged

Acceptance that something like this has happened is hard. Not acceptance of what happened as “right” or “fair,” but acceptance that this is difficult and it will take time. You are grieving. In some ways the emotions experienced after a break up can resemble withdrawal. Your brain is now adjusting to the absence of a person who was heavily involved in your daily life. It is normal to struggle, to think about them, and to want to reach out. Instead of fighting that grief or shaming yourself for feeling it, acknowledging that, “this is difficult. I am grieving right now. It is normal to feel this way,” can be a great reframe to help navigate this time. 

A Few Coping Strategies I Often Share With Clients

1. Distraction is not your enemy right now.

   This might sound shocking coming from a therapist, but sometimes distraction is important. It is, of course, important to feel your feelings and process loss. But sitting in your feelings of loss and suffering all day, everyday, is torture. It is important to get out of your home, spend time with your loved ones, laugh (or cry) with friends/family, reconnect with hobbies you may have neglected, try something new, or go out to your favorite restaurant. Distraction is not always avoidance and in this case you are reminding yourself that your life can still be filled with joy, excitement, and possibility- even when you are struggling. 

2. Move your body. 

   When we lose someone extremely important to us it can be natural to want to withdraw. But it is very important to move your body during this time. I am not saying you have to go run a 5k or spend hours at the gym, but do something you enjoy. This can be as simple as going on a walk outside. 

3. Try urge surfing.

   It can be extremely difficult to avoid reaching out during a break up or when you are missing a friend that you lost. Even checking their social media, looking at old photos, or re-reading text messages can become an overwhelming urge. This is where the skill of surfing can be very helpful. 

   
   

Try to picture your impulse (urge) as a wave in the ocean. When it first comes up, it rises very quickly and feels extremely powerful. But if you can take a moment to observe the urge (surf the wave rather than let it crush you), it will eventually peak and begin to fall.

With urge surfing the goal isn’t to eliminate the urge, it is to remind ourselves that we can

experience it without acting on it. While you are noticing this “urge” and attempting to “surf” it, you can use tools such as:

• naming it,

• noticing where you feel the urge in your body,

• setting a timer before you will act on it (15-20 minutes),

• or distracting yourself with another activity while the urge passes.

You Don't Have to Navigate This Alone

Healing from a breakup—whether romantic or platonic—is rarely linear. Some days may feel manageable, while others feel unexpectedly heavy. Both experiences are normal.

If you're struggling with anxiety, navigating a major life transition, or feeling stuck after a significant loss, therapy can provide a supportive space to process your experiences, develop coping tools, and reconnect with yourself.

I am an LMSW therapist currently accepting new clients at Sage Tree Therapy. I specialize in working with individuals experiencing anxiety, neurodivergence, and life transitions, and I use cognitive behavioral approaches to help clients navigate life's challenges. I would be honored to connect and support you in your healing journey. You can call (314)485-SAGE or email us at info@sagetreetherapy.com to schedule your appointment or ask any questions about how therapy can help!